Will Work For Platitudes - a writer's blog

Available releases!

2011-10-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself wanting to read what I've been writing? No? Well, now you can! Do you remember that anthology I mentioned earlier, the State of Horror: California? I got in, and it's been published. The company is a small, ebook publisher called Rymfire. You can check out my entry, as well as 5 others, in this novella anthology at:

1. Paperback version - Cost is $7.99 plus shipping. Use coupon code FALLBOOKS until the 31st of October, 2011. After that do a coupon search online and you should find something.

2. eBook format - $2.99 - compatible with most eBook readers

3. Amazon's Kindle version - $2.99

Also, I updated Grandma Plim and put it up on Amazon as a Kindle file, so far to great reviews! You remember me mentioning it before? Great for fans of Roald Dahl and Edward Gorey, with art reminiscient of Sir John Tenniel's Alice in Wonderland illustrations if he was influenced by Frank Miller:

Amazon Kindle version of Grandma Plim - only a buck!

Anthologies

2011-09-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to write short stories. I always figured it would be a good experience, help me hone my craft and get my foot in the door of writing professionally. I didn't realize how good it would be until I actually started trying! Since I started, I've written about twelve short stories. Some of them are actually really good, even if I do say so myself, good enough to submit.

I wrote and submitted to four anthologies. Here's how it went so far:
1. A Quiet Shelter There - I wrote three stories for this anthology. The first was a light sci-fi called My Jackie. The second was a retake on the old Puss In Boots fairy tale called Puss In Boots, Barefoot Dog (where I, obviously, added a dog and expanded and flushed out the details). The last was a light horror called The Door in the Side of the Stairs. None of them were to the editor's liking, but she was willing to read all of them.

2. Absolute Write's Speculative Fiction Anthology - I wrote two stories for this anthology. The first was Grandpa Tack, my take on a Roald Dahlian monster of a grandpa, and what a little boy does to get his revenge. The second was The God Particle, my second sci-fi. Though they were both turned down, the editor of the antho complimented my writing and, for the latter entry, said it had the makings of a very good story, provided I cut out 20% of the text.

3. Rymfire's Horror In California anthology - I wrote one horror story for this called the Void In The Fireplace. So far no response.

4. There Be Dragons There anthology - I sent The Child of the Blood Moon to this small indie publisher. It was called a "contest," but they intend to fill it out to book length with all the entries they get, even if you don't make the top three. So far no response.

5. Writer's Of The Future Contest, 2011 Anthology - I sent Lose Weight With Nanotech, my first foray into sci-fi. Since the submission period ends on September 30th, I have no doubt I won't hear anything until well after that date.

The process of submitting to anthologies and short story publications is intoxicating. I like bypassing agents, the instant responses, the fact that the editors are kind enough to actually offer feedback, even if they do ultimately pass. I'll have to keep it up. This will probably be my approach to breaking into the market from this point on.

New Article on finding cigar bargains online!

2011-08-22T02:27:00.000-07:00

Published a new article on associatedcontent.com, a Yahoo site called, So You Want to Buy Cigars For Cheaper. It's a guide to finding cheaper prices on cigars online. This was one of the first times I used the Advanced Payment option and was actually offered a few bucks for my troubles, plus performance pay. Not bad, considering I wrote it for fun. Read it, link it around, become my fan! Thanks.

New short story - fantasy / humor

2011-08-12T16:24:00.000-07:00

Published a new short story online called GRANDPA TACK. From the description: Jonathan is a kind boy. His Grandpa Tack, on the other hand, is a real monster who does his best to make sure Jonathan suffers. But when Grandpa takes his tricks too far, Jonathan is forced to devise a cunning plan to get revenge. RIYL: Roald Dahl.

New short story - horror

2011-08-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

Published a new short story online called WHEN MEATBAGS ATE MY DOG, and is set in a post-apocalyptic world where zombies, called meatbags, have taken over the earth. It stars Victor Fine, a fourteen year-old New World farmer, and follows the time when he was eight and lost his dog. It's not really horror as much as dramatic dark fantasy. Hope you like it!

New Article!

2011-08-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

Published a new article on associatedcontent.com, a Yahoo site. What is it? Only an introduction to the best fall hobby around and, I might add, the best friend a writer like me ever had! Read it, link it around, become my fan! Thanks.

In Honor of Harry Potter's 8th Film

2011-07-17T14:48:00.001-07:00

Writer's often dip their fingers into many pools, and I'm no different. As I said before, I used to write and illustrate a comic strip called Horatio Algiers. It was the only way to break the monotony of long-nights and early days at the post office - a job that stole most of my conscious life at that point in time - and knock the rust off of my creative bones. Here are three of them I made soon after J. K. Rowling announced her character, Albus Dumbledore, was gay:

Dumbledore Is Gay 1

Dumbledore Is Gay 2

Dumbledore Is Gay 3

Agents

2011-07-14T17:12:00.001-07:00

You may be wondering what my stats are so far with my manuscript submissions? Good question.

Meatbags:
85 rejections from agents
1 full request / rejection from an agent
1 "good query, but I didn't like the narrative style"

Trouble With Grandma
22 rejections from agents
1 "great query, but no thanks!"

In other words, I've had at least one good response per manuscript and/or query. Not bad for a rookie. I pretty much get the idea that when you put yourself out there it's always an uphill climb. Just as my blog title implies, you got to (insert platitude here) or else you won't even have a chance!

The crazy thing is, I know (of) other writers who have submitted their manuscripts to five, maybe ten agents and then called it quits. What the heck?!? Granted, their manuscript may have needed to be put on hold, may have required some extra editing before it was truly ready. But if it was, if they really thought they did the best they could, then fifteen rejections isn't the end of a novel's life.

Books are accepted and rejected for a number of reasons, most of them subjective in the query stage. Sure, agents say they can spot a winner if and when it comes across their email box, but is this really true? I've read agents' own accounts about how their clients, or someone else's, was rejected numerous times based on the exact query that drew their attention. You never can really tell if you have a crap idea or if the agent viewing your query simply had indigestion, a bad day or doesn't like some non-essential aspect of your query / story.

Then you have to take into account the marketplace: what's selling, what they think the editor's / publisher's want, what's popular, what's passe, et al. The point is, it might not be you. It probably is, but it might not be. If you're going to take this industry seriously you have to accept that you're going to be stomped on and belittled before you're ever really given a chance. And all you need is one - one agent and one publisher that will put a few bucks and time on the line for your art.

Anyway, I have more work to do on my third novel. I've hit chapter fourteen yesterday. It'll probably be finished somewhere around twenty to twenty-five, or roughly 300 to 400 pages, meaning I'm halfway done. Now that I'm working on my third novel it's a lot easier to write a lot and not feel like I'm throwing in filler. It's a good feeling, I tell you what!

From the Pages of Grandma Plim

2011-07-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

I promised earlier I would post a few pages from my first book, the only one I've self-published, Grandma Plim, as well as the art that accompanied it from the talented artist Evan Darian.

To preface, this book was envisioned as a work of illustrated humor, inspired by two of my favorite authors: Roald Dahl and Edward Gorey. Who can forget Dahl's Dirty Beasts or Revolting Rhymes, or Edward Gorey's Ghastlycrumb Tinies or The Doubtful Guest? They so deftly combined rhyming words and story, not forcing words to fit as most rhymers do, but weaving them together like a perfect pair of blue jeans. (I was going to say tapestry until I remembered everyone says tapestry in this context. Besides, who can doubt the complexity, and luxuriousness, of a fine piece of woven jeans?)

Since I've gone on to make one last final edit after the first print, I've taken the liberty of including the text from the unpublished second edition to match up with Mr. Derian's work. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did making it.

We all love our grandmas and treat them quite well.
We love their kind faces and old lady smell.
And they love us too, they love us to pieces,
They love us from every last pore of their creases.

But some grandmas aren’t great, in fact they’re quite bad.
They do things and say things that make us quite sad.
The troublesome fact is that some are so mean
That their very existence seems outright obscene.

Some grandmas do things that seem very malicious,
Like take you on walks with intentions pernicious,
Knock you over the edge of a cliff with great glee,
And watch as you bounce and break off a knee.

Some go to the store, they go shopping in marts
To find a young baby and let out loud farts.
Some ravage the food by choosing with feet
And rubbing their toe jam on all of the meat.

But all that is nothing! My grandma’s the worst:
A blood thirsty woman with blood thirsty thirst.
She's worse than the worst, far worse than you got
For my grandma Plim is a murderous sot!

I met the old lady when I was three.
She had on thick glasses and barely could see.
She smelled of moth balls, her skin was like sand.
She wasn't a beauty, her face was quite bland.

When she entered the house, she stopped and she stared.
She grew a big grin, her nostrils then flared.
The breeze blew her arm hairs like wind upon grass.
The light lit her teeth up like light upon brass.

“I'm glad to meet you,” I said when we met.
She ruffled her lips and muttered, “I’ll bet.”
Walking right past me, she tossed me her coat,
And made as to speak by clearing her throat.

Not having read the full book, I assume, you may have have noticed a character that, for the whole story, is never explicitly referred to. That would be the dead squirrel under Grandma Plim's foot. I wrote him as a picture-only character and I'm quite pleased with how it turned out. Also, all four characters, including the cat, play a pivotal role in the unpublished, non-rhyming sequel novel THE TROUBLE WITH GRANDMA.

If you liked GRANDMA PLIM I still have a few copies of the first print available! Check out ordering information at marzioli.com

The Aging Writer

2011-07-11T16:38:00.001-07:00

It's the day before my birthday and, when the last few hours pass and I turn thirty-two, I will be another year older. There's nothing altogether surprising about that - men (and women) do age. However, I always assumed by the time I reached my twenties I would achieve the results of my life-long ambition and, so, coast into my thirties a highly successful man. Only, the older I grew the more I began to realize I had no idea what my life-long ambition was.

At first it was art. When I was fourteen I could replicate reality on paper as good as, if not better, than those twice my age. (Of course if you were twice my age and only drew as good as I was, you should probably quit). I had promise, or so my teachers and, of course, my family told me. Sadly, by the age of sixteen I had lost all love of that pursuit and it was all too clearly revealed to me during the early part of December of 1996 that I could never do it for a living.

To be accomplished at something, to truly master its ins and outs, requires something I did not have - passion. I had talent, but not passion and was destined for nothing more than mediocrity if I persisted. From there I went into odd jobs. I was a barista for a year (which lead to the creation of the Marble Mocha, which is espresso, milk and equal parts white and dark chocolate syrup). I was a web designer for a magical grass company (a position I only got through the blessed role of nepotism. I married the daughter of the Head Grass Man, which turned out horribly. The company and the marriage didn't last long). And, lastly, I was a postal employee.

That last job, above all others, led me to believe I was meant for better (not necessarily greater) things, though "better" is a term that requires qualification. (There are a lot of wonderful, talented people that have, and are, working for the Post Office and I wish them nothing except the best). For me, I realized, better was doing something creative. I may not have had a passion for art, but I did have a passion for creating. As such, Horatio Algiers the comic strip was born!

Part duck, part me, Horatio inhabited a world where humans, dead personalities like Charles Darwin, monsters, angels, demons, aliens and animals co-existed in equality. Most of them worked in the ARPS (Amalgamated Regions Postal Service), or else interacted with employees. I'll admit it was heavily inspired by my love of Berkeley Breathed's Bloom County / Outland, as well as Dilbert, Mutts and a handful of other strips whose titles now escape me, but the majority of it was me. In my opinion, anthropomorphic animals are comedy gold and, based on the plethora of books, movies, comics and other assorted media, everyone agrees! Stop fighting it.

I wrote and illustrated one strip a week (horatioalgiers.blogspot.com) and I loved every minute of it. Or, at least, the writing part. As you can probably gather from my illustrations, I retained at least a pinch of the promise I had earlier stated I possessed, though the twelve or so years of non-practice are easily spotted. However, like before, I hated the drawing parts. So, like a cancer, like a hairy mole on the tip of the nose, like an unnecessary, mutated finger that grows out of the shoulder, I cut it off.

During the process of making Horatio, I had already started writing Grandma Plim and, by the middle of the strip's year-long run, it was finished and heavily edited. The experience of writing Grandma Plim was one of complete pleasure. There was no frustration, at least none that I did not heavily enjoy, and I felt an inkling of that passion that was missing from my other creative endeavors.

The decision to switch to writing and writing alone was an easy one. What's more, I finally discovered what that life-long ambition I had actually was. (Do I need to spell it out for you? It's writing, okay?) I may be a late bloomer, but it has been wisely said, "better late than never." Never would have been a tragedy. Never would have been a constant nagging at the back of my mind, an unscratchable itch, an unhealing wound, the forever limp when one can easily recall countless days of perfect strides.

I still have many obstacles to work through. For one, I'm a horrible advertiser and even worse businessman and publicist. In fact, following the self-publication of Grandma Plim I was half convinced the following photo would lead to SOME sales purely on the basis of the absurdity of it all:

buybuybuy

In any case, for now, I'll enjoy my bread sticks and pizza slice, write a few more pages of my new novel, savor my La Flor Digger cigar and enjoy the rest of my day. I just got another rejection letter eight weeks after my query. Happy pre-birthday to me! I'm still in the game, suckas!

Why do we do it?

2011-07-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

I've been writing formally for a little over three years now. I started out small, churning out a short, illustrated book that I self-published and made available to a select market of friends, family and, sometimes befuddled, strangers (more on this later). I called it GRANDMA PLIM, based on the name of the antagonist - a huge, fat, drunkard of a grandma whose magical bingo wings give her immense strength and invulnerability. It wasn't a commercial success, as few self-published books are, and went on to sell only fifty copies.

Fifty isn't much in this day and age; in fact, it's only slightly better than none. However, since I've known several self-published authors who couldn't even sell a copy of their book to their parents, I considered it a phenomenal success! Look out Harry Potter, I'm gunning for your records! Only not really...

It was the sales of GRANDMA PLIM to strangers that really made for an interesting experience. Because I did most of selling on Ebay I had to simplify the description due to the limited space they allow for titles. Thus I wrote: "Grandma Plim NEW SIGNED LMT ED PB - RIYL Roald Dahl," or something like that. For those of you who need help with a translation, I basically wrote: "Grandma Plim NEW Limited Edition Paperback - Recommended If You Like Roald Dahl."

Apparently some people didn't realize the meaning of my abbreviations (and thought reading the details of the listing were above them). Consequently, several customers were expecting a hidden, heretofore unknown book by the greatest middle grade author the world has ever known and autographed, no less, despite the fact that he's dead. When they got GRANDMA PLIM, signed by me, they were more than slightly miffed. They ended up keeping it anyway.

Once the novelty of selling GRANDMA PLIM wore off I moved on to novels. First up was a zombie-inspired, post-apocalyptic, coming-of-age novel about a fourteen year-old farmer named Victor. I called it MEATBAGS, after the antagonists. It was written in journal form and follows the events of a single year where Victor turns from a scared young man into the hero of his home town. It features plenty of half-dead meat-eating bastards and their victims, but with plenty of heart! And I do mean emotional depth.

It took me six months to write and six months to edit, and what came out of those months was nothing short of perfection. Or close to it-Look, we all have to be our own publicist, alright? Lay off! The import thing was I loved it and my test readers loved it too. Time to make money!

Since my last name isn't King, Gaiman, or Rowling, nepotism wasn't an option. Since I wanted the chance to sell my manuscript to a big house publisher I had to go through an agent. I went for the query approach. Seventy rejections later, I moved on to my next novel.

I wrote THE TROUBLE WITH GRANDMA next, a stand-alone novel set eleven years after the events of GRANDMA PLIM. It chronicles the week where Grandma Plim rises from the grave to attempt to murder her darling granddaughter, Kayla, once again. Kayla, wanting nothing to do with that, is forced to discover the secret behind her grandma's powerful bingo-wings - the source of that geriatric monster's power. It features plenty of absurdities: a talking cat, zombie squirrels, a giant-born knight, a quest set forth by an old bum in an abandoned laundromat and more. So far no go with that novel either.

That brings us to the present. With eighty and counting rejections under my hat, what's a writer to do? Write another novel, of course, and that's exactly what I did. I started my third book, tentatively titled WHEN THINGS GO AFOWL, a month ago and am currently a little more than halfway done. But that's another story and shall be told another time (when there's something worth sharing).

Look, the important part of all this is that writing is a process that involves hard work, dedication and skin as thick as a brick wall. I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend it's going to happen, but I will work hard and try to walk through as many doors that will open for me. It has to happen for somebody and it might as well be me! Until then I'll settle for the platitudes.

I've heard them plenty from my family (God bless 'em!) and plenty more from the numerous, gracious agents that bothered writing a rejection. (Seriously, I realize you guys are busy, and even form rejections are always appreciated). I have no doubt I'll hear plenty more before I get my big break. That's the business I chose and I'm okay with it.

Next time I'll post a few pages from my self-published book, Grandma Plim, featuring fantastic illustrations by comic artist Evan Darian. And for the record, I'm always open to a second printing, so if you want a copy, feel free to let me know. (Look, I already said if you're in this business you have to be your own publicist, so don't judge me for pitching for a few extra sales!)